How Sasuke Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Mangekyo Sharingan
by Ekusukallybaa
Summary: The Mangekyo Sharingan reveals things to its users. Many, many things. Like the fact that the entire world is an illusion, and the only way to escape is to die. Sasuke just decides to speed this process along. (Collaboration with Ser Serendipity, Crackfic.)
1. Eku: How Dandruff Ended the World

A/NA/N: Heya. So Ser Serendipity and I have had this kicking around in our head for a while, and we finally decided to work together to get it down on metaphorical paper. This is a collab fic, so the two of us will be alternating posting the chapters.

Anyways, without further ado, we present "How Sasuke Uchiha Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Mangekyo Sharingan". Hope you enjoy it.

How Sasuke Uchiha Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Mangekyo Sharingan

Prologue: How Dandruff Ended the World

Madara Uchiha was rather ticked.

He had groggily awakened that morning to hear Hashirama screaming at him outside of his window. Something about "Incredibly urgent matters" and "How could you have overslept _today_ of all days, you idiot!?"

As if such plebian matters actually concerned the Uchiha patriarch.

Pulling himself out of bed despite having only slept for two hours the night before, the man had rubbed his head, trying to clear the splitting pain that had run through it as soon as he had opened his eyes.

Figured. The first real sleep he had gotten in a week, and it had to be interrupted by his so-called "best friend".

And then, he had gone to the bathroom only to find something that made him let out a high-pitched shriek.

His hair! His beautiful, beautiful hair! The pride of the Uchiha clan!

It was covered in _dandruff_!

The horrified man had immediately leapt into the bathtub, attempting to rinse out the offending particles, but it was all in vain. They had come, and they were here to stay.

Thus, resigning himself to the fact that he would need ask Hashirama's help in order to gently cleanse his scalp of the offending infection, the man dried himself off, and got dressed, walking out of his apartment.

Where Hashirama was still screaming at him to come down.

"Hashirama, I need your he-" the Uchiha started before being abruptly cut off.

"Madara! Great news!"

"Hashirama." Annoyance fairly flooded from Madara, "don't interr-"

"The clans! We chose a leader just now!"

Madara blinked. Well, perhaps his hair could wait.

"So?" he asked drily. This was hardly unexpected after all. A centralized institution like what the two of them had planned to make required a strong head of government to lead. "I assume that they chose y-"

"And here's the best part! I nominated _you_!"

Madara's brain came to an abrupt halt.

"What."

"And they agreed!" Hashirama continued as if Madara had not even spoken, "There were a few protests at first, but then, I threatened to leave the village and they agreed!"

Madara felt his mouth opening and closing repeatedly. Like he was some sort of fish. He had _threatened_-

"Well, anyways! That's all I needed to tell you! See ya, Madara!"

And Hashirama turned around and skipped off into the distance.

It was only after his friend had disappeared that Madara realized that he had not had an opportunity to fix his dandruff problem.

XXX

Tobirama Senju was an intelligent man.

This was one of those things he had known about himself from an extremely young age.

For example, it was he who had formed the "Uchiha evil brain chakra theory", which he lovingly called the "UEBCT" whenever he found himself thinking about it (which was nearly all the time). Even if Hashirama laughed at him whenever he brought it up.

He had always desisted in the past when his brother had asked him to.

But this was too much. Tobirama _knew_, now, that he was correct!

Madara looked confused when Tobirama approached, that look of mixed annoyance and shock perfectly crafted on his face.

But Tobirama knew that it was a _lie_!

Madara was evil! _Evil_, he told them!

Only Danzo understood. Only Danzo listened… but that didn't matter! Tobirama knew he was right, and thus, he most certainly _was_ right.

"Tobirama…" Madara asked slowly as he walked up, "What…"

Tobirama stuck his finger into the center of Madara's chest. However, his tongue betrayed him, and what was supposed to be a serious accusation came out a bit… less serious.

"You! I know you're fooling onii-chan! I'll stop you, you big, stupid... meany!"

Madara looked shocked. And offended. But mostly shocked.

"What? Me? I haven't done anyt-"

Tobirama tried to ignore Madara's hair. That luscious beautiful hair. That hair that he always pictured when he looked in the mir-

Tobirama shook his head. No! He wasn't jealous of the hair of the Uchiha! _Never_. Why would he want it anyways? It was all… black. And soft. And pretty. And fashionably spiked. And-

No! This was about something else! What was it again? Right! The Hokage!

He meant to say something angry and serious again. Unfortunately, what he said felt a bit more petulant than he had meant.

"You! You tricked my brother! You tricked him and stole that _awesome hat _that I totally wasn't looking forward to wearing!" Tobirama blinked heavily. "And now your hair is going to _taint_ it!" He could feel the angry tears coming to his eyes even as he spoke, and tried to wipe them away ineffectually.

Madara's face went white with shock.

"You…" he whispered, sounding suddenly horrified, "you _know_?"

Tobirama tried to ignore how pr- _disgusting_ that face was. "Yes! You monster! You did everything just for this, didn't you? Just to get back at me!"

Madara's brought up his hands in a placating gesture. "Now, now, Tobirama. There's no need to tell anyone, is the-"

"Ha!" Tobirama attempted a noble, booming laugh, the kind his brother let out so easily, but coming from him it sounded more like a puppy being stepped on. "Well, I'm going to tell _everyone_, you... red-eyed, foul-breathed, bushy-haired_ jerk_! And there's _nothing _you can do about it!"

And then, Hashirama's brother turned and bolted, screaming about the evils of the Uchiha.

XXX

Madara continued staring, horrified at Tobirama's actions.

How could he have known that Madara had dandruff that day?

_How_? It wasn't possible!

Unless…

Madara stiffened. The pieces came together in a flash of brilliance.

Of course!

Tobirama had instigated it! He had obviously sprinkled dandruff into Madara's hair when he was asleep, simply so that he would have something to hold over the mighty Uchiha!

Madara's fist clenched.

Damn that Senju genius! He had warned Hashirama! He had told him that his brother would destroy the Uchiha, but the man had just laughed!

Well this time, Tobirama had gone too far.

Madara's fist unclenched, and he began walking away at a rapid pace, muttering to himself. His Sharingan spiralled out, rotating madly.

He'd show him. He'd show all of them!

XXX

Madara bit Hashirama, ripping a piece of flesh off of his arm.

"Hey! What was that for?!" the clan head yelped, pulling away even as his arm healed almost instantly.

Madara gave him an imperious look, leveling a thumb at his fabulous new hat, its white color stark against the hair that Tobirama had _ruined_.

"I'm the Hokage. I can do what I want," he mumbled, shifting the piece of Hashirama's arm around in his mouth.

His best friend stared at him. "You're not going to make a habit of that, right?" he asked warily.

Madara just shrugged, and walked off briskly to enact the next stage of his plan.

Hashirama, left behind, rubbed the back of his head and shrugged.

"Well, I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason for that."

XXX

The Rinnegan was nice, but even it could not give Madara back his perfect hair. Even now, years later, the single inch of it that he had been forced to cut off felt like one inch too many.

But that was fine. Soon, _soon_, revenge would be his!

XXX

Madara stood, looking across the world, as the Juubi's power pulsed through him.

It was here! His revenge would be complete, and this hellish reality replaced!

The black stain of that thingy that had tried to possess him lay underneath a rock. Madara laughed at it. Did that foolish creature truly believe if had stood a chance against the hair of the Uchiha?

But now…

Now, it was time.

He formed a seal, and weaved the illusion at the same time.

_Shin: Jukai Kouton_

"Erm…" the black smudge asked, voice still muffled by the rock, "what sort of illusion did you put them in?"

Madara laughed. "The _worst hell_! I put them into an illusion… _which is identical to reality_." He scratched his chin. "Except that my hair is perfect again, of course."

"... What."

"Yes!" Madara crowed. "For reality is hell itself! So I placed them in hell! Can you _taste _the irony?!"

He was certain that not even Tobirama would have been able to conjure such a devious plan.

And he cackled in glee, gloating over the world which now was his.

One of the pods lining the world tree fell off with a plop. Madara watched semi-curiously as the inhabitant, a bony geriatric, flopped out. He struggled for a moment, and then promptly died of heart failure.

Madara blinked. That wasn't supposed to happen. The Infinite Tsukuyomi was an _infinite_ illusion, after all. The people within were supposed to be kept alive, and in hell for all eternity.

"What…?"

"You messed up one of the handseals."

Madara spun to face the black smudge. "I messed up one of the _what_?"

"The handseals. For the Infinite Tsukuyomi. You messed them up." One of the black things eyes, a flat, bright orange, was watching him curiously from beneath the rock.

Madara brought a hand up to his chin for a moment. After a second, his eyes lit up in understanding.

"Ah! You mean one of the weird finger-contortions! I just remembered what those were!" he exclaimed.

Black Zetsu blinked.

"You… forgot what handseals were," he replied in a flat monotone.

"Hey!" Madara cried out defensively. "I haven't used those things in a while, you know? Not in years!" Before the pile of black sludge could respond, he turned away. "Well obviously, I need to undo the jutsu for just a moment…"

He moved through the requisite finger-contortions and channeled his chakra.

Nothing.

"Huh?"

Quickly, he did the finger-contortions again.

Again, nothing.

"It seems that you've really managed to screw it up," Black Zetsu observed. "You can't even reverse it now."

Madara blinked, then frowned deeply. This was bad. It was deeply troubling, even. How was he supposed to get his eternal revenge if the people in the illusion were just going to escape?

"It looks like anyone who dies within the Infinite Tsukuyomi is released from the tree," the black sludge added helpfully. After another glance, he murmured. "Though it seems like most of them can't escape their seed pods anyways."

Madara brought his hand up to his chin once more, mired in deep thought.

The interior of the Infinite Tsukuyomi mirrored real life. Thus, the people in the illusion could die, and the ones who did escaped the illusion.

"So obviously," he shouted out, coming to a conclusion, "to keep everyone alive, I simply have to enter the illusion myself and use the Infinite Tsukuyomi again!"

Black Zetsu blinked again. Just as he was about to open his mouth in a question, though, a massive tendril of the tree reached out, grabbing Madara, and pulled him into one of the pods lining the world tree.

The sludge blinked again, then turned its eyes towards the sky. Which is, to say, he was now staring at the bottom of a massive rock crushing him into the ground.

"Mother… humans are truly strange."

XXX

Madara awoke in a darkened chamber.

He rose to his feet and looked up. In front of him was an immense, tan-colored structure, one which he immediately recognized as the Gedo Mazo.

Madara smiled, an evil cackle rising from his stomach, even as he looked at the massive weapon, though that quickly gave way to a hacking cough which had him doubled over and heaving.

A moment later, the Uchiha picked himself up off of the floor, wiping away the thin line of spittle now tracing its way down his lip.

Well, either way, the Gedo Mazo could wait.

There was something more important to tend to first.

Slowly, feeling the buzz of anticipation in his veins, Madara looked around the surrounding chamber, trying to spot what he was looking for. When he finally did, he broke out into another smile.

Slowly, the man hobbled forward to it, his anticipation growing with every step.

However, as he grew closer and closer, his steps sped up, and his smile fled.

No. It was impossible.

Arriving before the mirror, Madara took in his own reflection.

What struck him were not the myriad wrinkles lining his cheeks and forehead, nor even the fact that he had only one eye.

It was his hair.

His once, dark, black, _luscious_ hair. The hair that had been voted the most awesome hair in the Uchiha clan, fifteen years running, the hair he had fought so hard to restore to its original, awesome length.

His hair was coarse, and streaked with silver. The hair of an _old man_.

Madara wondered, for the briefest of moments, the barest of nanoseconds, what had happened. Why was he an old man? Had he messed up the jutsu _again_? What could have-

And then, it came to him in a flash of blinding light, much as the plan itself had in the first place.

The obvious answer.

He knew whose machinations had ruined his beautiful hair once more.

Opening his mouth, the Uchiha patriarch let out a screech of impotent rage, fury and unbridled hatred against the man who had tricked him all those years ago.

"DAMN YOU TOBIRAMAAAAAAAAAA!"


	2. Ser: Nothing More than a Dream

**And thus, Serendipity arrived with the second chapter, and there was a mild-to-decent amount of rejoicing. **

How Sasuke Uchiha Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Mangekyo Sharingan

Chapter 1: Nothing More Than a Dream

Sasuke Uchiha was rather confused.

This wasn't how things were supposed to go.

He was supposed to stride into the ancient Uchiha compound, his every step measured, even the tempo of his _breath _calculated. The bandages wrapped around his head would give him a sense of beaten frailty, while the steel cable muscles under his shoulders would betray his tense eagerness and inner strength. His expression would be carefully fixed into something just between carelessness and intense anger.

He would be the perfect image of the prodigal son, returned to exact his revenge. He'd even secured Karin's best gel, sure that today would be the day he'd need it most.

And his brother was _ruining _it.

"Sasuke!" Itachi called out. Bits of rice spilled from his mouth, mulched onigiri desperate to escape. Sasuke's brother waved, the plate carefully balanced in his other hand wobbling slightly with the motion.

"Good to see you again! How's it going?" Itachi was utterly relaxed, sprawled in an uncomfortable looking throne.

Sasuke blinked, and activated his Sharingan.

That was definitely Itachi. There was no mistaking it. There weren't even any genjutsu in play. Sasuke had expected one as soon as he'd entered the room.

"Nothing to say?" Itachi said, more rice slipping from his mouth. He swallowed. "It's been so long."

"Three years, Itachi." Sasuke stepped forward, trying to re-establish his composure. His brother lifted another rice ball to his mouth. "Three years since you-"

"Want one?" Itachi extended an arm, poking an onigiri at his brother. Sasuke stared at it, before shifting his eyes back to Itachi.

He decided to move straight from the "Noble-But-Calm-Avenger" look to the "Murderous-Avenger". Itachi frowned, retracting the rice.

"Guess not," he grumbled.

Sasuke paused, taking a deep breath.

"Brother?"

"Hmm?" Itachi asked. His mouth was full again: he'd devoured Sasuke's rejected gift. "What? If you wanted it-"

"What are you _doing_?" Sasuke interrupted him, pulling a foot of his chokuto from its sheath.

"Having some onigiri," Itachi answered simply. He raised an eyebrow. "I would have thought it obvious."

Sasuke twitched. Violently.

"_Why_ are you eating onigiri?" he asked, one of his eyebrows trembling.

Itachi just shrugged. "I figured it'd be nice to have my favorite food for a last meal."

Sasuke froze.

"Last... meal?" he breathed out, sure that he'd misheard his brother.

Because there was no way Itachi had just admitted he was about to die, right?

"Yup," Itachi said flippantly. "'Cause I'm going to die."

Nope.

Definitely a genjutsu.

Sasuke put his hands together, building as much chakra within himself as possible.

"Kai," he hissed. The air around him practically glowed with energy, and his hair rose for a moment in an invisible wind, gloriously flowing.

Nothing happened. Sasuke's face twisted into an intense frown, or as he called it, the "Troubled-Avenger" look.

"_Kai_," he tried again, and again, nothing happened.

Sasuke's arms fell to his sides.

Impossible. Was he already in the Tsukuyomi? Could he have wasted Karin's gel?

He grit his teeth.

No. There must have been another explanation. Itachi was trying to throw him off balance. Make him lower his guard. What was his brother-

"Sasuke, do you need a moment?" Sasuke's head snapped back up: Itachi was leaning forward in his throne, his plate still resting on one of his upraised hands. He seemed genuinely concerned. "You look a little constipated."

Sasuke screamed a high-pitched battle cry and charged straight forward. Itachi's eyes widened, and he flipped backwards, over the throne. The plate of rice balls came with him.

The Chidori sparked into existence and buried itself in the stone chair, punching right through. Itachi rocked back on the other side, barely avoiding the lightning covered hand.

"Woah there, little brother," Itachi said. "Right to the point, huh?"

"Shut up!" Sasuke ripped his hand sideways, slicing a clean gouge in the throne. He spun, kicking high, and the top half of the chair snapped backwards, thrown by his kick.

Itachi bent backwards, and the slab of stone went right over his head. "Great comeback. Sasuke, you really need to-"

Sasuke let out another incoherent cry, leaping over what remained of the throne, his sword flashing out. Itachi spun around it, keeping his plate raised, the rice on it safe.

"C'mon, Sasuke," Itachi muttered. "I get that you've got _issues_, but if you'd just let me explain-"

"Oh you _son of a bitch_," Sasuke hissed, attacking again. Itachi danced around the sword. He didn't even bother to put down his onigiri.

"_I've _got issues? Me?!" Sasuke spat. Itachi leapt over his sweeping kick. "You killed our entire clan, and you say _that_? You lie about our parents, and you say _that_?!"

Itachi snapped his fingers. "Right!" he said enthusiastically. "That's it! You take everything so _seriously_, Sasuke!"

"_Seriously_?" Sasuke kicked out, buying himself some space, and buried his sword in the ground. His hands came together, weaving seals. "I'll show you _serious_, you psycho. Katon: Gokuyak-!"

Itachi's hand whipped out, and Sasuke broke off, choking. Curls of smoke leaked from his lips, but no fire escaped.

The onigiri Itachi had hurled into his mouth was delicious, but Sasuke ignored it.

That showy, arrogant _bastard_.

Sasuke spat out the rice as Itachi looked on disapprovingly.

"You shouldn't waste food like that," he said as Sasuke glared at him. "Anyway, can you calm down for a second? I gotta tell you something."

"Yeah?" Sasuke coughed out.

Itachi ignored the obvious sarcasm. "Four things, actually."

He bent low, placing his plate of onigiri on the ground.

"Firstly: I'm glad my "Drive-Little-Brother-Crazy-To-Increase-His-Power-Plan" went well, but you really need to calm down a little, Sasuke. It can't be healthy, walking around that tense all the time. You'll go prematurely grey at that rate."

Sasuke _wasn't _gritting his teeth. Definitely. He was just working his jaw out. There was no way his brother was really getting to him that badly.

"Second thing: you know how my eyes are _amazing _compared to yours?"

"The Mangekyo," Sasuke ground out, scanning the compound for the bluntest thing to stab his brother with. The chokuto was too good for him now.

"Right. Funny thing, that. You really need to get around to murdering your best friend. It'll give you a new perspective on life." For the first time, Itachi actually sounded somewhat serious.

"I don't _need _the Mangekyo to kill you, Itachi," Sasuke hissed. "I'm powerful enough now to make do without crutches."

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Uh huh. How's that curse seal, by the way? Still filling you with Orochimaru's chakra?"

Sasuke glared. "It's a necessary sacrifice."

"Oh. That's cool, I guess." Itachi crossed his arms. "You understand that he's _inside _you, right?"

The younger Uchiha twitched. "Yeah? So what?"

Itachi cocked his head. "_Literally _inside you, Sasuke."

"And? If it's helping me stab you, I don't see what's wrong with that."

Itachi sighed, cupping his face with his hand. "Maybe I should have held off on killing Mom. I guess she hadn't talked to you about that kind of stuff yet."

"... Stuff?" Sasuke shifted, pulling his sword up out of the ground. "Jutsu?"

Itachi laughed. "Sure. Let's call it that." He paused. "Where were we?"

Sasuke opened his mouth before his brother cut him off.

"Pffft. Foolish little brother. You thought I forgot."

Sasuke twitched.

"Anyway!" Itachi continued. "Third thing…" He chuckled. "And this one's _really _funny: getting the Mangekyo makes you start to go blind. Just a tip. If you want to, you know, be able to see stuff, you have to steal your sibling's eyes and take them as your own."

"What? But…" Sasuke's face went pale. "That's why you did all this? Just so you wouldn't go blind? You killed our entire family, ensured I hated you, allowed me to grow more and more powerful… just so you could take my _eyes_!?" He paused for a moment. "That's fucked up, Itachi."

Itachi's hand shot up. "Hey, just a sec. We've reached the most important matter yet."

Sasuke wondered what could possibly be more important than Itachi trying to yank his Sharingan out. What sort of brother _did_ stuff like that?

Well, at least Itachi wasn't trying to take his _hair_ or something. Now that would have been _truly_ horrifying.

"Sasuke…" Itachi said slowly, ignoring his brother's inner ramblings. "Ever since we were young… I've known one thing about you… about us."

Sasuke tensed. He could feel it. This was the moment of truth. This was the moment where Itachi would finally acknowledge that Sasuke had always been better than him: that while Itachi was a true genius, Sasuke was something beyond him, an Uchiha that came once a century, a master of ninjutsu, and a possessor of crippling good looks. His brother had already admitted he was going to die: what more was there for him to do?

Itachi slowly reached up, his hand coming to a stop behind his head.

"I have always…" he murmured. Sasuke unconsciously leaned forward, every erg of his body quivering in anticipation.

"-had better hair than you."

No.

No no no no no.

Itachi pulled out the band holding his hair behind his head. It fell, flowing gloriously around his shoulders, and shimmering even in the low light of the compound.

It was _perfect_. Glistening and smooth, and all completely without product. The kind of hair that women would weep after, and that men would feel a subconscious burning envy for. It was a shade of black that would make a moonless night jealous, and the way it fell around Itachi's shoulders only accentuated his slim, pale neck. Not a single strand was out of place.

Sasuke's Sharingan caught it all. He would remember it for the rest of his life. His brother's irrevocable victory over him.

His curse seal spiralled out, and Sasuke screamed, a burning rage flowing through his whole body.

###

"Wow." Itachi picked himself up off the floor, squinting at the sudden sunlight glaring in through where the roof had once been. Despite the rubble scattered everywhere, the dust filling the air, and the numerous small fires burning merrily, his hair was still utterly, infuriatingly perfect. "I didn't know lightning could actually _do _that."

Sasuke panted, stalking forward. His curse seal was beginning to recede, his chakra spent.

"Okay." Itachi pulled himself to his feet, staggering slightly and bleeding from the mouth. "The dragon fireballs I get, even if they seem kinda superfluous. I mean, does the fire get hotter if it's got a face or something?" He cocked his head. "Actually, that does kind of make sense, what with everything here being-"

"How are you _still alive_?!" Sasuke roared.

"Dont' be silly, Sasuke," Itachi chided. He popped a kink out of his neck. "Even if you kill me, I won't die."

Sasuke resisted the sudden urge to scream that people died when they were killed. It was too tired a joke to use.

"Are you really that delusional, Itachi?" He was only a couple feet from his brother. "You're no god. You're just a man, like anyone else. It is the nature of man to perish, no matter how their personal power increases. Eventually, we'll all be dust."

"Well, duh." Itachi didn't sound very impressed with Sasuke's incredibly deep analysis of the human condition. "But here, none of that matters."

"What do you mean, _here_?"

Itachi cast his hands around. Sasuke couldn't tell if he was encompassing the world, the destroyed bunker, or the bit of air between his arms.

"Reality, of course," he said. "Hey-"

He broke off, hacking and wheezing. Sasuke watched him, wary. Even now, he was careful about engaging his brother, particularly with the curse seal deactivated.

Itachi spat up a goblet of blood, splattering the concrete with crimson.

"Shit. My ninja-tuberculosis is acting up again," he grumbled.

Sasuke stiffened.

_Ninja_-tuberculosis?

Why did Itachi even get cool _diseases_?! It wasn't fair!

"Anyway," Itachi continued, unaware of Sasuke's growing jealousy. "Remember back when-"

"Is that how you keep that complexion?" Sasuke blurted out.

"Nope!" Itachi declared, not missing a beat. "All natural!"

He continued his previous sentence over Sasuke's strangled cry. "-I killed everyone and mind-whammied you?"

Sasuke stared at him. "... _Really_?"

"Right. That'd probably be pretty hard to forget, huh?" Itachi nodded authoritatively, crossing his arms. "Do you remember what I said to you?"

Sasuke almost immediately had a traumatic flashback.

_It was a charnel house. The bodies of the Uchiha were stretched out along the roads, their blood running in rivulets along the streets. Open eyes and gasping mouths stared at Sasuke, accusing him._

"_Why weren't you here?" his aunt asked him, blood bubbling from her split throat. "Why didn't you save us from your prodigy ANBU captain older brother?"_

"_Coward," his grand-uncle accused him. He smelled even worse than usual. "Why, back in my day, punks like you would have stood and fought, rather than run away from an opponent who so obviously outclassed them in every possible respect."_

"_You shouldn't have spent so much time on your hair, Sasuke!" his mother wheezed, the hole in her lungs writhing with crows. "I would have helped you! Why didn't you let me help you?"_

_Sasuke hyperventilated, young and useless again. Itachi loomed over him, his hair still stylishly tied into a pony-tail behind his head, hanging around his face in picture-perfect bangs, just displaced enough on each side to give him a fashionable sense of asymmetry, his eyes spinning, hypnotic shuriken. Slowly, they shifted, becoming a bloody, overbearing moon. _

"_This is all for the best, Sasuke," his older brother stated flatly. "It was what they wanted."_

"_You're crazy!" Sasuke words were as pointless as his parents bodies. Empty mementos. _

"_Nice. Very original. Also: it was father's last command," Itachi said, leaning down. The moon drew closer, ready to crush Sasuke. _

"_Tonight, I have killed the Uchiha."_

"_But it is our family's demand that I cannot stop there."_

_Itachi had smiled, a genuine murderer's smile. His hair gleamed in the light of the blood-moon, streaked with crimson highlights that enhanced its appearance even further._

"_The world must follow. So... run, Sasuke. Run, emulate my hair, and prepare for when we meet again."_

The flashback ended in a blur of monochrome.

"You were a lot more hardcore back then," Sasuke noted.

Itachi shrugged. "Well, I was kinda on edge, what with all the familicide-"

"I don't think that's a word, Itachi."

"Foolish little brother. I guess I should have told you to expand your vocabulary as well," Itachi shot back. He hesitated. "What was I saying?"

"You already tried that," Sasuke pointed out. "You seem to have forgotten."

"Damn. Well, I don't get a lot of time to-"

Itachi flashed forward mid-sentence. Sasuke took half a panicked step back, but his brother was already on him, his fist buried in his stomach. The younger Uchiha curled down around the strike, spitting blood.

"Right, so…" Itachi's other hand came down, stabbing deep into Sasuke's shoulder. It was wreathed in some kind of ethereal orange chakra.

There was a spike of pressure, and something white erupted from Sasuke lower neck.

"Oh _gross_," Sasuke choked, falling to his knees and clutching at the neck-growth.

"Fantastic. I knew those acupuncture lessons would come in handy!" Itachi sounded deeply satisfied.

"Remarkable." A sibilant hissing slid from the neck growth. "Itachi, you really are-"

"Hey!" Sasuke staggered to one foot, his other knee staying planted. "Did you just get rid of my curse seal?"

"Indeed he did, Sasuke-ku-"

"Yup." Itachi interrupted, shaking his hand out. The orange glow faded. "Pretty neat, right?"

"That's _cheating_!" Sasuke declared.

Itachi laughed. "You'll be thankful. Trust me."

"Err…" Orochimaru ventured. "I'm still he-"

Sasuke looked at him, as if suddenly remembering there was a fifty-something old ninja growing out of his neck.

"Oh god!" he shouted. His head snapped towards Itachi. "Brother! It's like, the worse pimple ever! Get it off! Get it off get it offgetitoff-!"

"Don't worry, Sasuke!" Itachi declared. The orange glare returned, surrounding the older Uchiha. "I possess the ultimate blemish remover!"

"Oh you _tacky basta_-!" Orochimaru shouted, before a blade coursing with chakra pierced his body and sucked him up like a vacuum. "Oh come ooooooooo-" he cried before he was shoved into an ethereal gourd.

"There!" Itachi said cheerfully. "Looks good as new!"

Then he doubled over, spewing blood from his mouth. "Oh, shit," he gasped. "Forgot about that."

Sasuke looked up, withdrawing his hand from his shoulder.

Ha! This was his chance! His brother had foolishly weakened himself disposing of Orochimaru.

And while Sasuke was tired, and his curse seal was gone for good, he still had just enough chakra for one last jutsu.

There was a screaming of a thousand chirping chickens, and Itachi raised his head, blood running down his face in perfect symmetry to his bangs.

The chidori plunged through his chest, vaporizing ribs and organs, and burst from his back, sending more of his blood splattering across the concrete.

Itachi coughed again. "Jeez..." He locked eyes with Sasuke, his hands unconsciously locking on Sasuke's arm. "Kinda anti-climatic, huh?"

"A necessary sacrifice," Sasuke declared.

"Well, we saw what happened to the last of those, huh?" Itachi smiled.

Sasuke stared.

"Ah… Sasuke." Itachi sagged, his grip on Sasuke's arm weakening.

"Thank you."

Sasuke's stare intensified. He began shaking slightly.

Well, maybe a bit more than slightly.

Itachi beamed through the blood covering his teeth.

"Now I can finally wake up."

And just like that, Itachi slipped backwards, falling off of Sasuke's arm, and hit the ground with a dull thud, stone dead. His hair splayed out artfully around his body.

Sasuke stared at him. At the brother who, in his last moments, had smiled at him. Thanked him.

And who had just removed the worst pimple of his life.

"Oh, _god_." Sasuke collapsed, shaking, and promptly became hysterical.

"That was such a _dick move_," he groaned.

His eyes burned, an inner fire consuming them.

"He really believed he was doing what they wanted," Sasuke dramatically reflected. He stared at his brother. "And he helped me when I needed it."

Sasuke's head hit the ground.

"Itachi!" he shouted at his brother's body. "You horribly traumatized me, and you spent your last hour on this earth ruthlessly mocking and putting me down, but you always loved me, didn't you!?"

Thick, bloody tears ran down Sasuke's cheeks. It was all very artful and dramatic.

"At your heart, you were really just a good samaritan!" he weeped. "So good that when my family asked you to kill them, you did it without a second thought! You went on the run, just for them!"

Sasuke raised his tear stained face. "I swear, big brother," he growled, his eyes closed. "I will never forget your sacrif-"

Sasuke opened his eyes. The theatrics, and the inevitable tragic mandolin music that had accompanied them, stopped.

Sasuke blinked.

"What the fuck?"

He stood up, forgetting the blood streaming from his eyes, forgetting his brother's body, forgetting the ruin around him, and looked in every direction.

"No, wait," he murmured. He looked back at Itachi, bending down to prod the body experimentally.

It didn't stir. Itachi was still definitely dead.

"No, wait," Sasuke said again, his voice flat. "What the _fuck_?"

He looked around once more, taking in the shattered bunker and the forest beyond it.

None of it was real.

Sasuke didn't know how he knew. He just knew that he knew, and he knew that he knew he was right about what he knew.

Which was that none of it was real.

It was all a genjutsu. Or a dream. Or a genjutsu in a dream. Or a dream in a genjutsu. Or-

Sasuke looked back at his brother's body.

"Oh god," he said again, dully.

Itachi had been _right_.

Sasuke, assuming that anyone who had been reading his innermost thoughts would have the memory of goldfish, flashed back to his brother's words.

'_Even if you kill me, I won't die.'_

'_Here, none of that matters.'_

'_Reality, of course.'_

'_Nope! All natural!'_

'_Thank you, Sasuke.'_

'_Now I can finally wake up.'_

"Holy shit," Sasuke said in the most boring tone of voice imaginable.

"This is all a dream," he said to his brother's body.

He kicked it, viciously.

"This is all a dream, and you _left me alone in it_?!" he shouted. "How the hell am I supposed to let everyone know?! You left it all up to me!"

"No, Sasuke!" a high-pitched voice cut in, brimming with enthusiasm and not a little bit of madness. Sasuke spun, finding a man in an orange mask and an Akatsuki cloak standing behind him.

He could practically feel the man beaming through his mask.

"It's up to _us_!" Tobi shouted.

Sasuke opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again.

Took a step forward.

Raised his hand, one finger extended, quivering.

And collapsed flat on his face.

"Oof," Tobi observed, cocking his head.

"That's definitely gonna bruise."


	3. Eku: Genocide for the Greater Good

**And thus, Eku finally got off his ass and wrote the next chapter, much to Serendipity's rejoicing.**

How Sasuke Uchiha Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Mangekyo Sharingan

Chapter 2: Genocide for the Greater Good

Sasuke awoke to a splitting headache.

After a moment of blinking his eyes blearily, trying to remember why the world around him looked so _unreal_, the headache started to fa-

_'Nope! Just kidding!' _it exulted, once more cracking his skull open like a walnut. Sasuke groaned and grabbed his head, rolling over in the bed.

Wait. Bed?

"Huhuhuhuhuhuhu…" someone laughed from the corner of the room. "So you have awakened at last… _Sasuke-kun_."

Sasuke had a distinct impression that whoever was speaking was trying his very hardest to sound mysterious and intelligent. Unfortunately, the fact that his voice had the sort of pitch one would normally expect from the cough of a cat dying from several venereal diseases somewhat ruined the effect.

"I am certain that you have many questions, my young compar... comp... compartynet…"

The voice's stutter died off. A moment later, Sasuke heard a whispered question which carried through the silent room like a shout.

"Hey, how do I pronounce this word?"

A long-suffering sigh, and then a whispered response from a second voice. _This _was the voice that could have managed the deep, menacing laugh: it _oozed _confidence. Sasuke's hair perked up at the sound of it. "Compatriot, Obito. Com-pay-tree-ut. _This_ is why you should have let _me_ handle the introductions."

"But you _always_ get to do the introductions! It's not fair!" the first voice whined loudly.

"Hush!" the second voice half-yelled. "Do you _want _him to hear us?"

"Don't worry!" 'Obito' responded, just as loudly as before. "See? Our compar… comp… comDanzo- _amigo_ hasn't noticed ye…" his voice trailed off. "Sasuke-kun, what are you doing?"

Sasuke looked up, fixing the masked idiot in front of him with the full force of his "Just on the verge of making you have a _very_ bad day"-avenger look.

"I'm trying to find a knife," Sasuke said. "I need to kill myself, then I need to kill Itachi _again_." He pulled himself up. Then, I'm going to _burn his corpse to ashes_. Then I'm going to _piss on those ashes_. And then I will take those pissed-upon ashes and-"

"Okay, okay, okay!" Tobi quickly cut off the incredibly handsome young avenger's diatribe. "I get it, I get it!" Sasuke heard him shuffle his feet. "I mean, probably a little teeny bit excessive, but I get it. Still, though," Tobi asked, "won't you listen to what we -(Ow! Sorry, sorry, you're not supposed to be here. I forgot!)- _I_ have to say first?"

"What you have to say? And just who are you anyways, _Obito_?"

"O-Obito?" The masked man seemed genuinely shocked at that. "A-Ahahaha. I'm not Obito! Never heard of an Obito Uchiha in my entire life!"

Sasuke blinked. Slowly. Normally, that would be impossible, but Sasuke was a genius, and if he wanted to blink slowly, then he would _damn well blink slowly_. "You're an Uchiha?"

"How did you know that?" the masked man shrieked. Sasuke winced as his headache suddenly returned. "Could it be that… that you are already aware of my _secret identity_?"

Sasuke gave the idiot a taste of his "Why are you such an idiot?"-avenger look. "Yes. You are Obito Uchiha."

"Ha!" the man crowed. "A good guess, but no, I am not Obito, manliest of Uchiha, seducer of women, future Hokage of Konoha, hero of the Third World War, protector of innocents, punisher of the unju-"

Sasuke tuned the man out and started padding around for a knife again. He'd had over seventy before he'd passed out. Obito couldn't have removed _all _of them.

"- and strongest shinobi in the world! No, in fact, I am _Madara_ Uchiha!"

Sasuke looked up. "No you aren't."

"Yes I am!" the man cried out petulantly.

"Are not."

"Am too!"

"Are not."

"Am too!"

"Are not."

"Am too!"

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"Good to know." Sasuke couldn't find a knife. Maybe he could just strangle himself?

"Hey, wait!" The masked man stomped his foot. "Prove that I'm not Madara, you big stupid jerk! Don't use cheap tricks!"

Sasuke tilted his head, then spoke very slowly, as if dealing with a particularly dull child.

"Madara," Sasuke said, "would never have cut his hair."

Obito, the one Uchiha with the _worst_ hair that Sasuke had ever seen, froze, as if he had suddenly turned to glass. Sasuke fancied that he could observe tiny shards of the man breaking off, along with little things like his self-esteem and the very meaning of his existence.

"I _told_ you you should have let me handle this!" the second voice called out from the shadows once again.

"I concur," Sasuke muttered, finally getting out of the bed. Worst case, he'd have to tie up the bedsheets to create a noose to hang himself with, though that might get messy. Was there even anything here high enough to hang from?

Obito seemed to sag, falling to the floor once again, massive tears leaking from the lone hole in his mask to plop against the floor.

Sasuke sighed, waiting for the man to pull himself together.

Obito kept weeping.

Sasuke kept waiting.

Obito kept weeping.

Sasuke kept-

"Okay, seriously?" Sasuke snapped. "It's been _thirty minutes_! Can you _stop_ now?"

Obito looked up, and his mask somehow seemed to twist into an expression of the deepest self-pity.

Sasuke sighed. "Didn't you have something you wanted to tell me?" the avenger asked, resigning himself to having to deal with the idiot's enthusiasm. At least it would be better than his _crying_.

Obito seemed to brighten up immediately. "Well, you see," he said, leaping to his feet and leveling a finger at Sasuke.

"The whole world is a lie, but of course, you already knew that, and the Uchiha were all heroes, and they wanted to rebel against Konoha to start off a world war that would destroy most of humanity and they were about to fail, but then Itachi went to Danzo and he was like 'loyalty!' and Danzo was like 'kill the Uchiha because I want a fancier arm!' and Itachi was like 'sure why not,' and then he killed all the Uchiha except for you and so he was actually the greatest hero the Leaf ever produced and he came to work for me and he joined Akatsuki and we decided to work together to try and kill everyone on the planet and then he got sick and then he was like 'whatever this is stupid' and then I was like 'but I need you!' and he was like 'I'll make Sasuke do it for me' and I was like 'okay' and now you're here and oh my god we're going to have so much _fun_ together!"

Obito had not even paused for a single breath during that sentence. Sasuke nodded his head slowly.

"That makes perfect sense," he said. Especially the part about all the Uchiha being heroes.

Slowly putting the finishing touches on his blanket-noose, Sasuke started looking around for a hook of some sort to hang it from the ceiling. After that…

"Er… Sasuke-kun? What are you doing?"

Sasuke shot him his "Goddammit, I already listened to your stupid speech, what more do you want from me?"-avenger look.

(In case you hadn't noticed yet, Sasuke was capable of giving some _very_ expressive looks.)

"Well, there don't seem to be any knives around here, so I think I'll just hang myself instead."

"What? No! You can't do tha-"

He was cut off by the second voice, which somehow grew huskier, more manly, more _heroic_, even as it spoke.

"I see, my young friend. You have grown tired of your life in this broken world, and so, you seek a release." Against his will, Sasuke felt his attention drawn to the corner of the room where he knew the second voice hid. "Fear not, Sasuke Uchiha, for your wish shall be granted! Rise, Samsara Squad: The Six Paths of Pain!"

"Naraka!"

"Preta!"

"Animal!"

"Human!"

"Asura!"

"Deva!"

Six forms, each of them exuding an aura of pure manliness, leapt from the shadows, each striking a truly fabulous pose as they landed. Sasuke sucked in a breath, instinctively knowing he was in the presence of something unlike anything else in the world.

A series of explosive tags went off behind the Paths of Pain, backlighting them against a glorious detonation that blew their hair around in an artful manner and made their robes ripple dramatically. The roof was next to go, vanishing in a sudden fireball and allowing sunlight to stream in. A blue angel descended on the lone beam of light, her paper wings held out behind her, fully spread, and a victorious, mirthful grin stretching her face. Streams of paper danced around her, creating intricate patterns of shadows on the floor that told tales of great battles won, and never lost. In her hands, she held a pair of paper pom-poms, both of which spoke of wisdom won from years of conflict.

"Go, Samsara Squad!" she cheered. "You can kill all of the humans!"

Sasuke and Obito reflexively clapped.

And clapped.

And clapped.

An-

"Stop! Stop clapping! You know how hard it is to hold these poses for so long?"

Sasuke and Obito stopped. Obito wiped a tear away with one hand. Deva seemed to blink, then coughed.

"That aside, my young friend, I see that you, like me, are unsatisfied with this world." Sasuke nodded his head in affirmation.

Deva stepped forward and spread his hands expansively. "Well then, allow me to propose that you aid me and…" he turned over with a grimace to Obito, then continued after a short cough, "_Madara_, in our plan to wipe out humanity!"

Sasuke blinked. "But I don't care about killing _everyone_. I just want to murder Itachi again."

Deva was already chuckling lightly and waving his finger at Sasuke. "Come now, my young friend. You were only able to defeat Itachi last time by a fluke! And with such a dishonorable move to boot! You will not fare so well the next time. Think about it! He might make you," Deva shuddered, "_eat more onigiri_. Could you truly deal with the humiliation, the _outrage_, once more? Can you truly call yourself a grown man if your brother continues to feed you like a small child, even now?! Think, my young friend!"

Sasuke frowned. Deva made a good point. How _could_ he call himself a grown man if that was the case?

"What do you propose?" he asked the font of wisdom before him.

"It is simple!" Deva's voice boomed. "Aid us in destroying humanity, in freeing everyone from this illusion! Then, everyone will be so grateful to you that they will _help_ you kill your brother!"

Sasuke frowned. It seemed like a good proposal, at first glance. But…

"How would we go about doing this, then?" he asked. Killing everyone on the planet did seem like it would be a bit… difficult, after all.

"It is simple!" Deva roared. "With our power, combined with the power of the bijuu, we will create a weapon. A weapon the likes of which the world cannot even dream. A weapon that will level not just villages, or cities, but _entire nations_." The Deva Path stepped forward, bringing his arms up like a man at prayer, before clenching his fists with the kind of purpose that could crush stars. "And then-"

"What? No!" Obito cried suddenly. "Pain! I told you about this! We can't kill them ourselves! We have to use the Infinite Tsukuyomi!"

"But it would be so much _easier_ just to murder them all directly!" Deva declared. "Why do you insist we go about it in such a roundabout manner, Obito? With that power-"

Sasuke frowned. For a moment there, it seemed like the Deva Path's voice had been coming from two separate places at once. One from the body in front of him, and one from behind a conveniently-placed curtain at the edge of the room.

"Because!" Obito cried. "Otherwise, they'll just hate us for killing them after they wake up! We need to make them _understand _each other!"

"... by brainwashing them all into killing themselves." There it was again, the whispered echo of the Deva Path's magnificent voice. Sasuke moved closer to the curtain.

"Exactly!" Obito crowed. "That way, they'll understand!"

"Obito, that plan is-" Suddenly, Pain seemed to notice Sasuke near the curtain. His eyes went wide, and he stepped forward, his hand outstretched dramatically. "Wait, no! Sasuke! Pay no attention to that cur-"

But it was already too late. Sasuke reached over and tore aside the curtain.

To reveal an emaciated, broken man, spikes stuck into his back, his entire body held up by some sort of strange, throne-like contraption.

"Nooooo!" the man screeched, reeling back from the sudden light. Stick-thin arms came up out of cavities in the throne, desperately trying to shield his visible ribs and utterly pale, flabby chest. "Don't look at me! I'm hideous!"

Sasuke blinked.

"Why did you do this?" the man cried again "What did I ever do to you? I just wanted to be pretty again!"

Konan swept forward, her wings tearing themselves away from her back. The sheets of paper flitted around Sasuke and formed a wall between him and the emaciated man. Everything but the redhead's gaunt head vanished from the Uchiha's sight.

"Nagato is very sensitive!" Konan snapped. "He was never the same after his legs were blown off!" She sniffed. "They were the tannest things in all of Rain Country…"

Sasuke, nonplussed, looked at the sudden wall, then at the Samsara Squad, then back again. "So he made…" He turned and peered closer at the Paths for a moment, and then nodded, his suspicions confirmed. "Walking corpses."

"Is that so wrong!?" Nagato croaked.

There was the sudden sound of a torrent of water striking the ground. Sasuke glanced back to see that it had started raining.

Obito, who was still standing under the hole in the ceiling created by the Samsara Squad's entrance, had been completely soaked.

Oh. And he had started crying.

Sasuke looked back at the emaciated man, and sighed.

"You still haven't convinced me to join you."

A short pause, then…

Pain eyed Sasuke coyly, his strange purple eyes narrowing. His lip curled back into a mean smile, revealing his perfect teeth.

"You could almost certainly get every single person in the world to help you with peeing on Itachi's ashes," he said casually.

Sasuke blinked. An image crowded his mind. An image of Itachi's ashes covered in a veritable _sea_ of piss.

He grinned.

"What's the plan?"


End file.
